“‘…Polish is the easiest language in the world. Here, do this…’ and he began making sibilant, hissing sounds like a serpent in rut. ‘Now sneeze! Good. Now gargle? Good. You see…there’s nothing to it. The rudiments are the six vowels, twelve consonants and five diphthongs. If you’re dubious, spit or whistle. Never open your mouth wide. Suck air in and push your tongue against your closed lips. Like this. Speak fast. The faster the better. Raise your voice a little, as if you were going to sing. That’s it. Now close your palate and gargle. Fine! You’re getting it. Now say after me, and don’t stutter: “Ochizkishyi seiecsuhy plaifuejticko eicjcyciu!” Excellent! You know what that means—“Breakfast is ready!”’”
